I’m not the type of person to type out my thoughts or feelings…..anymore.

I have always been the type of person that says people need to drag themselves out of their mess on their own. I have done that, plenty of times. The latest I still consider to be my greatest accomplishment, but still incomplete.

This post will remain extremely vague, but that is always for the best.

This story starts out basically two years ago when I found unexpected joy somewhere I least expected. Against all my better instincts, I went with it and stuck with it through 9 months of pure agony. Why I did it, I’ll never know.

In that time I kept many secrets from everyone. I spent a lot of time talking to strangers that did not know me or were unaware of the situation. I definitely did a lot of things I am not proud of and now regret, but it was part of a process. The only people that really knew what was going on was a very close inner circle that only really knew half the story.

Now I am not crying over this or myself. Clearly this was a mess I made, or was at least involved in. I could have quit at any time, but I guess I was always determined to prove that I am the “stand-up guy” I claim to be. Whatever this looks like, that’s not what it was. I wasn’t doing anything bad, illegal or unethical. I spent all that time trying to be the good guy and proving that I was the good guy. Evidently, that was a mistake.

Here I am two years later though, and I feel like I am still trying to prove that I am the good guy. I think that, if it hasn’t hit home by now, it never will. How much time can you spend trying to prove something to someone completely unable to believe it?

Of course, there are two sides to every story. I have spent so much time trying to understand the other side of this story and it still doesn’t make sense. No matter how you try to spin it, there are times where it is completely illogical. Aside from one very very tiny decision two years ago, I am not sure I could have done anything different. It’s that feeling of helplessness that kills you.

I am closer than ever to completing what I wanted to accomplish. The only thing left now is time and patience. I have a great job and I’m on track to that future I foresaw two years ago with one major piece missing. In place of that piece, I am stuck exploring alternative options that just don’t sound as appealing. Work at a coffee shop? Move home? Make a lot of money?

Just today, I found myself coming off as shrewd and condescending. That’s not the type of person I am. I know I am prickly, I know I’m argumentative and defensive. I know come off as arrogant, brash and egotistical, but I am not. It’s something I had to develop to get through these last two years.

I am just trying to limit the mistakes I will make and not repeat the ones I have been a part of for the last two years. Being too safe is just as bad as being too risky. I know I will find the right balance eventually.